My birthday week and a 30 Day Challenge

It is 8:45 pm

     It's a beautiful warm summer day in SE Michigan. The cheetah is downstairs looking out through his window,he was waiting for me to come home because he knows its canned catfood night. He was meowing,, roaring when I came home to feed him.
Got ESPN3 going on the computer listening to the UAPB-Texas State football replay...


Its been a while since I wrote so this might take a while...its been a up and down week.

I turned 50 on 26 August....normally a reason for a celebration with loved ones and friends...but instead the day found me over at St. Thomas a 'Beckett talking to Debbie Miller. It had been three months since I last talked to my regular grief therapist,Becka,from Arbor Hospice. My time with her was only supposed to officially last a year but Becka extended it to 14 months.

  Three weeks ago found me in a most difficult time as I was in a bad way and pretty close to walking off this mortal coil. I came out the other side hurting pretty badly but knowing I needed to talk to someone. So I reached out to Debbie and set up a appointment.
   Coming into her office,I saw it had been changed around a bit from the last time I had been there.
We started our session and I shared with her where I was at,she seemed to get a little edgy at this and I picked up on this but what could I do? I am just being honest,Lori and my bond was that tight. She asked me a strange question,she asked me if I thought I put myself in that box as she put it.
   While that is not the case because as everyone who has lost a spouse or a loved,the journey is different. I do NOT want to sit here in this sadness,if I did,then why is the point of even staying alive? Who desires to live with only half of you being able to function at any level? I thought it was asked with tinge of anger and now I am feeling uncomfortable with this line of questions when Debbie stops the session. She looked past me and said that I wouldn't have know this but her husband had died in May. He had a massive heart attack and had held on for a month before being placed on life support. It was Debbie who had to make the call to let her husband go.

 And just like that,it made perfect sense...why the questions,why the anger. I said I was sorry and said I wish I could tell you something,give you some advice but I can't. She said "I am glad,I don't want to hear any advice".
   She said "I want to know how are you are going to start moving on". Well my face must have said it all because she retracted that statement and said it wasn't then term she wanted to use.
I said I was glad because I really hate that term and said you will come to detest it as well.
 We talked about what plans God has for us,I struggle with that question everyday. There has to be a purpose and some days I see it and other days I simply see nothing. I know this will always be with me or anyone else going through this.

 The session for all intent and purposes was over as we talked about what happened to her husband. He complete blockage of one aorta and 95% of the other,Debbie said they call a "widowmaker" as mostly men suffer from this type of heart attack. She mentioned the month after her husband had died,his sister suffered the same type of heart attack but survived. Just another strange twist to the tale.
   I must admit,I am surprised,Debbie said she took two months off before coming back to work,that she came back so quickly sort of concerns me a lot. As a pastor of a large parish,the different types of emotions she has to deal with every day is rough as it is but doing so with a such a heavy loss.....I don't know....but I do know I will be doing my part by not going back and instead will look for someone else to talk to.

  The rest of the day was nice,was treated to lunch and some running around before coming back home.
Wednesday was another quiet day as I spent the day doing chores. My friend Sue had called the night before to take me to dinner on Wednesday but I suggested we do pizza and watch the first college football game of 2014.

  Sue loves football and so it was a easy choice....so that is how we spent my birthday on Wednesday. The game was Abilene Christian at Georgia State. The game was pretty exciting as it came it down to the last 4 seconds before GSU kicked a field goal and won,38-37. It was a fun way to start the season.
  Thursday morning saw me getting up pretty early to make the trek into Detroit to meet up with Lori's best friend and bridesmaid,Deb. She surprised me with a ticket to see Derek Jeter's last baseball game against the Tigers.

  I caught a ride with Marlene who works downtown and we made it downtown is 45 minutes. Traffic was pretty light and soon enough I was camped out at Tim Horton's drinking coffee. I peeked outside at a park where the annual Detroit Jazz Festival was being set up for the four day holiday. The festival attracts world class musical talent and its also free.

  I saw a few musicians walking about,many would be busking later on during the day. I sat back,enjoyed my coffee and people watched until Deb made to downtown.
We walked through downtown and looked at the light rail being built. This truly is what Detroit needs. The roads going through the heart of the city are narrow and cramped and parking downtown can be a circus. The light rail,just as it did in San Jose,will bring relief to those folks heading to a event.
  Deb took me to the The Hudson Cafe,a big,airy room which specializes in breakfasts. The food was excellent and very reasonably priced as well. Deb had mentioned that coming here on the weekends was pretty impossible as the lines waiting to get in are pretty long. Well on a early Thursday,the room was only maybe half full and the service was fast and friendly.

  We walked towards Comerica Park and soon we saw other fans heading the same way. We stopped at a sports merch place to look at hats....they didn't have any Yankees caps for some reason and the Tiger caps were 35.00,a little rich for my blood.
  We came out and finished walking to the ballpark,the crowds weren't too bad at the gate and the mood was pretty festive. There were as many Yankees shirts and jerseys as there were Tiger ones. Deb looked pretty nifty in her Rick Porcello jersey I have to say...it felt strange to see the park in the daylight and also without Lori. She loved baseball and we always had a good time at the games we went to.

  Since the game was a "get away" game for the Tigers,there wasn't any infield practice or batting practice as well. We did wait for an hour behind the Yankees dugout hoping for a glimpse of Derek Jeter but other then the pitchers getting their running in,only Chase Headley and Ichiro came out.
 The day was perfect and the game was pretty exciting,turned into a pitching duel and Brad Ausmus out managed Joe Giraldi. The Tigers pulled out the game in the bottom of the 9th,3-2.
   The battle to escape downtown was the normal Detroit nightmare,narrow roads,crappy drivers and the light construction made it an adventure to get out.
  We made it to Michigan Ave. and headed home...as we were,we passed by a location shoot on the Batman/Superman movie being shot at a local deli. Overall it was a very special day and I am extremely thankful to Deb for taking me.
 
 Got home in time to get ready for the college football season opener as San Jose State took on FCS squad North Dakota. Last year I watched the game against Sacramento State and was completely bummed as despite SJSU won,24-0,it was a ugly,boring win. This year,with a new look defense and some real talent running the ball,SJSU took care of business and blew out the Fighting Sioux,42-10.
 The passing game needs a lot of work and our best tailback was suspended for this game and the one against 5th ranked Auburn this weekend. The defense was fast and much more effective...plus no real serious injuries. Which is a good thing as the Spartans will need every single player in playing the best team they have seen since played Alabama in 2008. The spread is 31 points so there isn't many who think SJSU can pull off the huge upset.
  The game will be broadcast nationally on ESPN 2,hoping for a minor miracle...would be quite a coup to win!!
    Joining the gym this week,feel much more into it this time as a couple of others at my work have joined so am hoping to get a good routine going. The city I live in has a nice trail system and they just completed linking up the main trails with the one right by the house.



  I actually decided to take my first walk down the new trail this afternoon...got about a quarter mile into it and noticed an overcast sky was turning darker so I decided not to risk it and headed back...just as I got to the Rodger Young,it started sprinkling lightly...drove home in about 5 minutes and as I pulled into my driveway,the heavens opened up and a thunderstorm dropped quite a bit of rain...
Seems like our weather is turning into Florida's weather...hot,humid and then it rains. Could always be worse...be hot with NO rain.
  But tomorrow is another day and I will try and walk the trail again.

My friend Brad started something a while ago on his FB page,he started listing 5 good things everyday that occurs in his life,some are small and some are big but he lists something every single day. I always thought it was a neat idea when he first started it but I have to admit,I find it very,very hard to find things to be happy about. Trying to find 5???? I love to but just isn't there yet.

  Then a very nice person named Jennifer Blanc-Biehn started a 30 day challenge starting in September and I decided to give it a shot...I started out posting on my FB wall but since I decided to post here instead.
 Here is my list so far

Day 1
I am grateful for my brothers Phillip and Monte. You two have really been so supportive with talking to me at anytime,

I am grateful for my job. The job itself isn't that great but the people I work with kick butt!

I am grateful for my cheetah,Paladin. He has been a joy..he makes me laugh every day on some level.

Day 2
1. Grateful for my good friend William Clark who I met while starting my first blog. 
Not only is he a true fan boy but loves baseball almost as much as I do. I am taking this time to wish him a most happy birthday!!

2. Grateful I have a home to come to. While it can be a lonely place to come home to,its a nice house and I am glad I live in a quiet neighborhood.

3. Grateful for having the passion to read pretty much anything put in front of me. I am not picky on what I read as long as I have a book with me.


Day 3
1. I am grateful to my friend Michael Hoover (R.I.P.) who let me read his vast collection of books and comics. It was because of Michael,that I became a fanboy. 

2. I am grateful to Joe Kelly. It was through Joe that I got my start in the music business. I helped him break down the stage and he got me hired on as a doorman at Marsugi's. He also got me hooked on the Simpsons as well. 

3. I am grateful to the hardy daisies that keep coming back to bloom every year.
Its a nice treat to walk outside to a a bushel of flowers solaring in the sun!!

Day 4

1 Glad that I am getting to join a gym again. The first around wasn't so fun but I think this will be more my speed. What a nice birthday gift!!! 

2. Discovering new writers,well at least to me. Read my first Elmer Kelton novel this past week,Kelton was a prolific writer of Westerns. I only discovered him because one of his collections was at my local Dollar Tree. 

3. Speaking of Dollar Tree,I am grateful my store has customers who enjoy reading. Because of this,our store has a high turnover rate of books which in turns leads to fresh titles. This isn't always the case at other stores where they have the same old musty books for months on end.


 Okay,I am going to post this and hit the hay. Thank you for reading this and feel to drop a comment.

If you are on Twitter,follow me @Jinzo_2400


shout outs

San Jose State - We believe!
Sue,Cheryl and Deb - Thank you for my birthday week.
Marlene- thank you for letting me Crash sit next weekend!!
Jennifer- thanks for the 30 Day challenge! Its been fun so far!
Hello Kitty - We know you are a cat.
Donna - sending you light and peace
Rome - we got it right with the Rock as Black Adam!! Could be very bad-ass!

Rolling Blog

It's 10:35 pm

  It's another bitterly cold night here in SE Michigan. Paladin and I are watching "American Ninja" on YouTube. My brother Phil loved this movie so much,we wore out the local mom and pop video that had this on VHS. 

  

  Its two days before Thanksgiving. Tomorrow is the memorial service at St. Thomas a Beckets. It's going to a sad night for a lot of us who lost our loved ones this year. I am sure tears will be shed,memories shared...even some good times will be recalled.

I will write about the night on Thursday....but now I want to bring attention I saw on my Facebook wall from a very earnest young music lover named Dan Herman who lives in Pennsylvania.

This is clear proof that despite what some may say and think,the recession is still out here,still causing much pain and havoc.

This is what Dan posted publicly on his wall.

Spoke to landlord earlier today and decided to put up pretty much the remainder of what's in my bank toward the back rent. It's all I can do to keep from being evicted. I'm now pretty much broke, and I still have bills incoming. I'm still seeking work, going below my means to find work that doesn't fit my background.

Even if I find work this week, I can only hope it's local and that I don't go penniless because I can't get the bus or the train. 

Once again, I must ask for your help. Regardless of the fact that it's a holiday season (which is the better part of 6 weeks), I can't function without any income. I know, just about any of you probably can't either. This situation is dire. I don't know how short the eviction process is here in Philadelphia. I just don't know where or how I'd move at this juncture if I had to leave. 

I'm not ashamed at typing all this. It's better than keeping it all in and praying for the end to come quickly. It's almost like in poker, the idea of existing with a 'chip and a chair'. That's about the best way I can analogize this scenario to something else. 

So what am I doing? I've applied to jobs in any number of websites for the local area, including 10 miles out. I've started to reach some local stores re possible seasonal employment. I've also reached a few friends and relatives across the country who may have leads for work in their necks of the woods. At this moment I've no interviews pending, but a ton of applications are out there with my humble name on them. 

I am aware of some rental assistance agencies in the city. I don't know their reputation, what the process is, or anything. I just know they are there, and I'll resort to them if I must. Any insight on this would be appreciated greatly. 

Also I do have the Paypal button on the website as a possible means to build income. You can contribute as you will. 

I have my resume all polished, too. Contact me at cblue456 @ comcast . net if you want this file. 

Well, that's all I got. It'll take a lot of pain to bring me down. I'm hurting, but not so much that I don't have hope.

As I told Dan and I am writing this....that took a lot of courage to write. I know that I am not that far away from being in Dan's shoes. The economy is still in the pooper as jobs are getting harder to find that pay a decent wage. If you wish to help Dan out,you can contact him at the email address listed above.
  As I blogged before,I volunteer at a emergency food giveaway in my city. While the number of folks doesn't seem large (103),its still over 30 people up from where its normally at. I saw two different posts on my FB wall about huge crowds in San Jose (2,500) and Stockton (4,000!!) waiting to get a Thanksgiving meal. I don't know about Detroit this year but we chronically have a large turnout for a free hot meal or having a free turkey and all the fixings.

1 Dec
9:27 pm

Still writing this in fits and starts. Its another chilly day in SE Michigan. We are both in the den,I'm writing and Paladin is curled up on his fleece blanket. 
  Going back to last Tuesday night. Had the day but kept busy. I had already talked to Susan to let her know she didn't need to come down. Turns out she couldn't have anyhow as her new dog has a case of heartworm and she had to take him into the vet. I also talked to Marlene (Crash's mom) to also let her know she didn't need to come. She said she would try but as it was her late day...
  I was going to meet Michael and Deb at Antonio's for dinner at 5:45 before heading to St. Thomas at 7 pm. As I was getting ready,my neighbor Kathy came over. I hadn't seen her in over a month and I saw I had 20 minutes...which went into 35 before I managed to get free.
  It didn't matter,my stomach was too tied up to worry about eating so I made small talk as Michael and Deb ate (and thank you again for dinner). Pretty soon it was time to go and we drove down to St. Thomas where there were a lot more folks then I had imagined. People were slowly walking inside and we made our way in as well. I went to the men's room to get a little composed and saw a few other guys doing the same.
  I was a little perplexed as to why was St. Thomas having this service only two days before Thanksgiving? I mean,its rough already during the best of times but adding this to a big typical family holiday? I was wondering about that as we sat down.
  A priest who I had never seen before stood up and announced that St. Thomas's regular Father was going through some trials and "personal problems that he is struggling with" and that he had decided to "resign" that very day! Based on the snatches of talk I heard afterwards,this wasn't a huge surprise to the church members. 
  But as they made other announcements ,my eyes went to the back of the wall and I counted 52 crosses hanging there with a small candle burning.They did a Mass and then Debbie Miller (who I talk to as a grief therapist) read off the names quietly. After a song and a prayer,they invited a family member to come pick up our crosses. I was overcome with tears and Deb sat with me and we cried as Michael went up for me. I miss her so very much. The service ended and we made our way out where we ran into Marlene who had raced from Detroit to the service. We talked for a few and then I sent them on their way because they had a long drive ahead and worked in the morning. 
  And that ended this part of my life....

Thanksgiving was quiet...I had some very nice people offer to have me over to dinner including a young lady from my job whom I would have never guessed would have invited me. I was touched but I said "no" and just had a small dinner that Barb had gotten me. Paladin and I watched a 10 part series on World War II which Lori had gotten for me as a gift and I had yet to watch it....until now. It was very well done and I kept putting it on pause as I read about a key battle on my iPad. 
   At 4:45 pm,I drove to Target as I thought they were going to be open at 5 pm....turns out it was at 8. I wanted none of that and drove back home. 
   Black Friday went on in my work and while the business was heavy,it wasn't anything stupid as they showed in various Wal-Marts. Which cracked me up because there isn't any need to bum rush,Walmart has enough product to handle the early bird shoppers. But of course you can see what kind of people are acting a fool and ruining it for everyone else. Cops were out in force and were brooking no foolishness from anyone. 
  So my friend Kerri and her husband Andy are a hosting a Photo Challenge on Facebook. Every day has a theme and you have to post a picture that you took that relates to the theme. Its been pretty rough to figure out a few of them and very painful ones as well but I am posting nearly everyday. On some days,especially the theme that was "Fur",has been been a lot of fun. Lot of folks have a lot of furry friends that they showed out. I posted a few shots of Paladin. 
   The college football regular season ended last Saturday for the San Jose State football team. The Spartans were at one point 3-1 in the Mountain West and 5-3 overall before hosting San Diego State. The Spartans had a 30-20 lead in the 4th quarter but couldn't handle the Aztecs running game and lost 34-30 which started a 3 game losing streak and ending their bowl chances at they were 5-6 and hosting the 16th ranked Fresno State Bulldogs. The Spartans had dropped a 58-52 triple overtime game to Navy while Fresno was blowing up New Mexico,69-28. This game was going to be ugly....and it was. My buddy at worked stood there in shock as I asked him for the score...when he said 42-41 SJS at the half,I thought he was poking fun as me but he wasn't he was telling the truth! Not only were they winning,they played with great defensive will the second half and won,62-52,ending Fresno's chance to play a major bowl. 
  As for the Spartans,suddenly they are 6-6 and with their Top 10 passing game,will be a attractive team in a smaller bowl game. I am guessing they will end up in the New Mexico Bowl playing either Oregon State or Washington State. We'll know for sure by next Sunday. 
   Actor Paul Walker died yesterday in a brutal car crash....he was a passenger in a high powered Porsche when the driver lost control,hit a tree or a pole and blew up the car. Both men never had a chance as the car burned out of control. Walker rose to fame playing a former cop named Brian O'Connor in the "Fast and Furious" movies.
   Finished my Jack Reacher novel and started in on a autobiography by Army Ranger Captain Scotty Smiley called "Hope Unseen" in which he became to first Ranger to serve who also was legally blind. Should be a great book full of hope and courage. I'll let you all know how it turns out.
  Again,sorry my writing has been in spurts and starts. I am very grateful to you all who keep coming by and seeing if I have posted anything new. Well,now you know that I have indeed!

Guest blogger Susan Smiley (hmmm,wonder if she is related to Scotty) will my next entry and my interview with Brad Beneke will follow....

You can follow me on Twitter @Jinzo_2400


Shout outs:

Sue and Liane- thank you so much! I need a diet now!
Christine H- Next time,I promise.
Deb and Michael- Thank you for always being there for us!
Marlene- Same to you!
Alana- Dude,that bread is beyond good.
Morgan - Thanks for talking geopolitics with me and for also knowing who Paladin was named after.
 Kerri and Andy - Loving the challenge!
Scorpion - are you getting ready to relaunch the pirate radio station?
Jimmy - I still crack up remembering your encounter with David Blaine,I knew there was a reason I stayed upstairs!
 Tom Nelson - Happy birthday!
Sydney - Happy birthday!
and to whoever uploaded episodes of Mystery Theater on YouTube,you rock!
Dan Herman - hang tough...
Brad B. - Phil Hughes will be a steal for the Twins!