Reflections,Candye Kane and baseball

It's 4:26 pm

   Looking outside at a nice day...its a bit overcast and muggy. The last 5 days have been like this,we get humid and steamy,storms pop up,it rains and then goes away. It is almost like being in Florida. Guess we might get a bit of a summer yet!!

  Past week has seen its highs and lows. Had a real sad patch of 3-5 days of feeling like Lori just left me. It felt like the day of her death and I really started to flounder badly,lot of tears and wanting to pack my bags. I always wonder if I am the only one to feel that way,are feelings solely my own. Am I the weirdo widower in the room? I am both saddened and relieved to know that these feelings are natural and not uncommon. Saddened to know others are feeling this terrible and desperately wanting to go home by any means possible and relieved that I am not alone in feeling this way.

  The trigger was trying to clean up our spare bedroom. I really hadn't been in the room for about a year other then put my winter bedding away. Otherwise I have not gone into the room for any reason. So I started looking in the top drawer when I saw a card with two tiny birds and the word "lovebirds".
The card was was from 2005 Lori and I went to Washington D.C. for vacation,she wrote how much fun we were going to have and how we were going to have so many more in the future.
 That was all I could handle and I started to cry. I put the card back and walked out of the room about 60 seconds after I walked in.I was pretty saddened at this,that it still absolutely like she passed that day. I tried to de-stress by going down in the basement and cleaning Paladin's box and doing some laundry.
But my week was shot,just beyond sad and missing Lori....struggled hard to finish my last week of overnights at my job. We were doing inventory prep and only had a 6 man team to prep a huge store....

  Saturday presented a new challenge for me....a co-worker's brother had died and his viewing/funeral service was being held on Saturday afternoon. My friend Sue and I drove over to pay our respects. As we got closer Sue told me about the funeral home,it was one of the smallest ones she had ever seen and as we pulled up,she wasn't just whistling Dixie,it was incredibly small,it was there first and the city built around it. A apartment complex was directly behind it as well as a pre-school right next to it. You could only drive in one way to park and parking lot was pretty narrow.

   Sue and I got there just as the service started...the little chapel was packed,my co-worker's brother was a popular guy,well loved. It felt surreal to be standing there...so many fresh memories and emotions. We stood outside in the hall as the chapel had no seating left. The pastor gave a nice service,listening to little stories and tributes sort of gave you a idea of what he was like. While laughter was there,tears were the order of the day.
  Two of our fellow co-workers came as well....as we watched,I could feel myself start to hurt inside,the room was getting smaller and the sound of crying was starting to effect me. Well Sue got a urgent call and we had to go about 5 minutes before the service did.
  I was both happy that I had lasted as long as I did and didn't waver. I was only sorry I didn't see Linda,my co-worker,who supported me during Lori's cancer. She too,lost her spouse only a short while ago..and now this...

 
So while I was wrestling hard with this,I made plans to attend my first concert in forever. I missed seeing Dave Alvin in July but another of my favorite singers was coming to Ann Arbor.
  I first saw Candye Kane back in 1992 when she opened for a great roots rock band called The Blazers at the Cactus Club. I was completely blown away and went on to maybe 12-15 shows in San Jose,Santa Cruz and San Francisco. One of my last shows at the Agenda was a Candye Kane show which was really well attended and just a great vibe all the way around. I helped the band load out and thanked her for a great show,she kissed me good-bye and that was the last I saw her,that was in 1998.
  Flash forward to 2008...Candye breaks the news she has pancreatic cancer and is facing a life and death struggle. I started to write her via social media and sent encouragement just as thousands have done. She has multiple surgeries, including one where they used 150 plus stitches to sew her up.

She tours,undergoes chemo,records,more chemo,flies to Europe,huge medical bills starting to pile up. Fans rally around her as she undergoes more treatment,she was once weighed around 270 pounds,not anymore she writes.
   Lori gets sick,my writing to her becomes less and less as Lori gets more and more ill. Candye is fighting so hard as is my Lori but Lori is fading now,no letters now,just blogging here. Candye writes me,wondering how we are doing,I sent her my blog.
  2013....Lori is gone in May...a cancer that was preventable has taken her. Candye,with a cancer that normally kills within two years,is still alive and shining brightly. I write her twice in the past 18 months,once to tell her Lori has died.

 But now Candye is coming back to Michigan,playing the Ark. I haven't seen a live show in 5 years,haven't been to the Ark in years when Lori and I saw Kim Richey play. I reach out to my friend (and frequent guest blogger) Susan to see if she would like to see Candye. She is game and we make plans. I also ask my other Sue who is also game for a show.
  So here we are last Tuesday meeting at my home to carpool to Ann Arbor. It looks like a thunderstorm type of night as it starts to get ugly. Paladin the cheetah is sitting in the windowsill which is open...when a huge bolt of lightening flashes and thunder cracks across the sky. Does the cheetah run? Hell no!! Paladin sits there and meows good-bye at us....


   The rain dies out as we leave our town and head to Ann Arbor,we went via Michigan Ave. so it was mellow as far as going into town,no passing the UM Hospital.
 Downtown Ann Arbor was buzzing with life as we headed to Main St. Lot of places to eat,drink and be merry but not so much in terms of pure shopping. Last time Lori and I were downtown Ann Arbor  was about two years for the art fair. We had a good time but we couldn't stay very long as Lori got tired pretty fast back then.
  But the same kind of buzz was still going on....tons of foot traffic and construction cranes all around.
Parked our car and walked to the Ark,got our tickets and seats. The Ark shows pretty much start dead on time and so at 8 pm,her band,led by the amazing Laura Chavez on guitar,hit the stage.
  They played two instrumentals and then Laura introduced Candye. Wow....I knew she lost some weight during her cancer journey but I wasn't ready to see how much she had lost....and she looked GREAT!!
The voice was still quite strong but the Ark's sound system leaves a lot to be desired so her vocals were bit muted. The small mid-week crowd was fully into the show and Candye sang a lot of her favorites "I'm the Reason Why You Drink", "Toughest Girl Alive" and "Superhero".

 But something started bothering me as the show went on,in between songs,Candye shared her journey on how she was so happy she was still alive and how blessed she was .While I am happy she is doing so well,a miracle in fact,I found myself feeling more and more upset....bitter and resentful,something I never expect to feel when talking about about a cancer survivor. I mean,I harbor no ill will towards Candye herself,no one thinks that of course. It is the whole process....like another widower said when he mentioned he doesn't go to any of the cancer events (Relay For Life,3 Day Walk,etc).
 
 "It isn't because of the people,it is because of the sheer greed of the medical field in treating this. Billions in research,drugs and fund raising and there isn't even ONE cure for any one cancer. It is always hope for a cure but never any real answers. People and companies get wealthy off our blood,loss and broken souls but won't even allow for one cancer to be cured".
Caught this wonderful and telling blog entry that is very worth checking,just click the link to check out the blog.
  Taking a quick run through some search engines,I find this emotion is not publicly talked about,but it IS talked about. I have discussed this with at least six other widowers,widows,parents,children who have lost someone to cancer but have a hard time being around survivors/events. The feeling of "why only some but not all" is a strong feeling to feel but as you are reading this,much,much harder to express without being criticized for it. Personally,I don't care if I am or not...I am just sharing just another part of my journey. I'm saying its a normal feeling to feel anger and resentment but to make sure you know who you really directing that to.

   Back at the Ark,the show was a extremely good one and Candye played two encores as she received a standing ovation (which she deserved).
  One very sweet part about Candye's show,while she is tries to push her latest CDs and shirts,she also has a CD, "The Power In You" which she sells but knowing a lot of folks may have just enough money to see a show but not afford a CD,she gives those away. It depends solely on the honor system that if you can't afford a album,you can either pay what you can or get a free CD. Very sweet gesture indeed.
  We hung around as I wanted to say hello....and playing thousands of shows since 1998,I didn't think she would remember me at all...which she didn't until I mentioned the Agenda Lounge show. Then her eyes opened wide and she smiled. She said Laura was from Mountain View,then she really remembered when I mentioned Lori. She whispered she was sorry in my ear,grabbed the CD and signed it for me. She had a lot of fans to meet and greet so I let her go. Laura and I talked as we talked about the EDGE and she had been in a band that opened during one of Jimmy's Y&T shows.
   We said our last goodbyes and headed towards home. Both ladies loved the show and said they were glad I shared Candye with them. I was just glad to be able to see a live show again. I don't know who I will be seeing next,only that it won't take 5 years to see it.

  Seems like Dollar Tree Theater is catching on....had a couple of people both mention Dollar Tree Theater in telling me about a couple of new (to me anyways) discount stores in our area,a chain called "Ollie's" and a store called "Five Below".  Said they had some very low prices on books and DVDs.

  So took a ride to Ollie's last week and took a peek. It wasn't too bad but you have to pick and choose as not everything was that cheap. The DVD section was so-so but I did find a couple of Dollar Tree class deals,20 war movies for 2.99 and the short lived "Lonesome Dove" series for 7.00. Also picked up Terry Francona's book about the Boston Red Sox 2004 championship year for 2.99. Thought it was worth going but you get the feeling the turnover isn't very fast and that in 3-4 months,you would be looking at the same stuff.
   Haven't been to Five Below yet but I aiming to venture there this week to take a peek.

 

   Heading to Detroit on Thursday to watch the Yankees-Tigers play. While the Yankees season has been plagued by injuries to the pitching and termites eating the bats,the Tigers zoomed ahead in the AL Central. The Yanks were at one time in 4th place while the Tigers had a commanding lead in the Central....but suddenly the Tigers have started to crumble,stumble and bumble their way out of first while the Yankees have moved to second place in the East. Now as this writing,the Tigers and Yankees are fighting for the last wild-card spot,the Tigers are a half game back while the Yanks are hanging on (barely) at 3.5 games back.
 This series not only will help figure out the wild card but marks Derek Jeter's last regular season game against Detroit. This will be my first game in 4 years,Lori and I took her Aunt Jo to see a game against Tampa Bay back in 2010.
  This time I will be seeing it with our friend Deb,who got me a ticket for my birthday next week. I am very grateful that so many people have shown me kindness during this time. I never take such acts lightly or for granted...it helps me stay grounded here. And paying it forward is a common theme here in my blog and so I will be looking for a new Pink Hat mission come September,don't know what it will be yet but it will happen.

 
Well that is all I have in my tank....I am heading out to do a little walking. I am re-joining the gym this week so I want to start walking before winter gets here.

If you are on Twitter, follow me @Jinzo_2400


Shout outs

Candye  - May your miracle continue!!
Susan and Sue - Thanks for allowing me to share Candye with you
The Fluffy Twins - just because!
Deb,Cheryl and Marlene (Crash's mom) - thank you for the birthday goodies!!
John,Justin,Darryl - thanks for talk.
San Jose State football - Beat North Dakota
Bene Benwikere - Spartan Strong!
Monte - thanks for the phone call!

All over the place on a Monday

Its 5:42 pm


    Good evening....its a warm,wet and humid Michigan summer day. The rain has been falling since early this afternoon with several thunderstorms racing across the sky. Guess we're supposed to be dealing with storms all this week...which isn't a bad thing,mind you,we really need the water. So glad I cut my grass after I got home yesterday,there would have been no way I could have done it today...

Like to thank my guest blogger Jessica Clackum for writing such a interesting column and I really like the guest blogger idea quite a bit,so much so I have already invited another guest writer to drop something hot in the near future....no pressure Rich but you are now on the clock...

July 25 is coming up very rapidly....it seems every month there is a emotional hurdle for me to clear...Lori's dying in May,our anniversary in June and now her birthday on 25 July. She would have turned 54 this year. Only 54....its very sad to think about this,I know I am a strong person but sometimes this really overwhelms me and I just lose it for a while. The tears come and I just sit and weep. Every day feels like 20 May....every single day. I bounce off the walls here or I go walk around the block 2-3 times. My sleep pattern is still very scattered,my CPAP machine works when I turn it on but my mind is racing with memories,things we did,places we visited and dreams we dreamed but won't be realized on this Earth. I am thankful for my friends who even now,despite their own problems,still support and care for Derek and myself. Its a saving salvation I can assure you and I do my best to pay it forward...because its the things we do for others that help define who we are as human beings...a kind word or email or phone call. Its when times are darkest that we need to reach out and give back. Doing a kindness with things are flush is easy,its when you are in that dark room that you help guide someone first to the light. Its what I'm working very hard at doing now,it really surprises people,good people,to find out that they still have a lot of love in their heart to give when they seem to have nothing left but tears to share.
  I got a call about 10 days ago from a old friend (hell,he was almost like a brother to me) whom I had not seen or heard from in about 28 years(!!) When I answered the phone and heard him start to talk...I met Javier back in Ontario when we moved into the neighborhood. He was a very quiet but a avid fanboy in the fact we loved to read comic books,sci-fi and fantasy books. We went everywhere together,church,the bookstore,just knocking around. His home life was pure dogshit,no father,a mother who really wasn't around..a little brother who you see was already in the grip of the gangs and drugs that were always lurking around. His older sister was beautiful but she had no ambition other then to party...which led her getting pregnant by the time she was 18. She hung around gangbangers as well because it was almost expected.  Javier never was approached,the loco vatos knew he was different and left him alone.
  Soon Javier moved in with us after my older brother left for the Navy and he became part of the family.
As we got older and saw all of our friends slowly being destroyed by the neighborhood,we decided to try and join the Army. Javier was accepted but because of my poor eyesight,I was denied. Javier went in on a delayed entry program so we were able to hang together for a while...which almost proved our undoing.
His now 17 year old brother had been messing with a girl who he thought was 15 but in fact was only 13. He was facing some potential serious trouble. As we drove one night,Javier and he started arguing about what was happening,his brother became very upset and started crying while driving. Not a good thing as he started talking about crashing the car....I'm in the back seat scared out of my mind and asked him to pull over so I could get out,I wanted no piece of this. He refused and sped up....as Javier tried to calm him,I watched the speedometer and when his brother hit a turn at 25 mph,I jumped and rolled out of the car. I felt my glasses fly off my face as I tucked and rolled over and over.
 That brought his brother back into his senses as Javier screamed at him to stop. The car stopped and backed up...both brothers got out and asked if I was okay...I only had a small cut on the back of my hand. I picked up my glasses which somehow survived and put them on. I turned to Javier's brother and shook my head and without saying a word started walking the 3 miles home. Javier walked with me and he kept on apologizing .
  I soon moved to Santa Clara and Javier went to bootcamp. We exchanged a few letters but soon we lost contact. I knew he moved with my family to Washington and that he went AWOL but I never talked with him. And soon after he moved back to California and that the end of any contact we had with him.
  Until about 3 weeks ago when he called my mother in Washington...they talked a couple of times and she gave him my phone number.
  I was surprised to hear from him...I told him briefly what had been happening and he then shared his story.
My friend is homeless. I mean,really homeless,as in sleeping outside in the park homeless. He is married and has a 3 year old son and they are homeless. It wasn't always that way,he said he had worked for DHL for 17 years before taking a chance to live with his older brother (which I never knew he had!) in Colorado..he quit DHL and went to Colorado. It didn't work out and he came back to California where he was out of work for two years before landing another job with a subcontractor with DHL. That lasted two years before he had a mental breakdown and took a medical leave. Of course once he came back,they dropped him as fast as they could and with his wife also losing her job,it quickly fell apart for them.
  He turned to his younger brother and sister....but that pointless,both siblings while making it out of the neighborhood,took along a pet with them as a reminder of their time there,a pet Horse. Yep....both his sister and little brother are heroin addicts. When things were good,he had let both of them stay with him while they struggled with their lives and addictions. But it wasn't the  same now that he needed their help,his little brother let him stay but at the first fight,he kicked them all out,including tossing their clothes and other items on the street.
  He never asked me for a dime,he just wanted to "have someone to talk to". 28 years and I am now the person he wants to talk too....I know he had burned up and used every social resource to him. His wife called the local VA and they told him to come out to see them,he didn't have the busfare to even get out there...I volunteered at 2 homeless shelters in San Jose and I can't ever recall seeing a whole family out on the street like this. My heart ached for him but I could offer him advice,when he said his mother-in-law had gotten them two days at a fleabag motel...I just didn't know what to say,I have no money to spare him,not with my own sketchy situation here..I am so hard pressed myself. But I told him to go to the largest Catholic Church and simply ask for the bus fare to the VA. Simple and small requests go a long way to getting more help. You have to be willing to take anything and everything that is offered to you jobwise. You can't say no...with no transportation,this will be hard but as I told Javier,just get there...you can always walk home,I used to walk everywhere before I moved to Michigan and learned to drive. I used that logic when I started working in San Jose,just get to the job and worry about getting home later.
  I know of one friend in Ontario who might be able to help but I have no way of contacting Javier...so now I wait and pray.


  Our neighbor just rang my doorbell,she brought me 4 homemade sugar cookies. She said she wanted to go into business for herself but didn't want to go through the hassle of getting health permits. I may have to rethink eating these cookies....

I got a nice email from famed blues singer Candye Kane. I was blessed to have worked with Candye on a couple of shows at the Agenda Lounge. I had first seen her sing at the Cactus Club and was completely blown away by her voice,its a beautiful and bouncy voice with matches Candye perfectly.
Candye herself has been battling cancer for almost 5 years herself,she has undergone several major surgeries yet has still managed to tour and put out new music every year. She is a true warrior in so many different ways.

This was her email to me

• I hope you are doing okay. I wanted you to know that i read your messages and i think of Lori and Lori often even though I had never a chance to meet her. Cancer sucks and I mourn for every person who has to endure it as a carrier or a caregiver. sending love xo - Candye
• 
  
• 
• 
  
•  

Last Friday I was blessed again to have lunch with Lori's Angels,Melanie and Terrie. I can't tell you how much I love these two,how they do such a great job helping cancer patients each day cope with their chemotherapy and the side effects of it. Its a grueling and taxing job but they do it with a sense of humor and compassion. There is never a faster hour then having lunch with the girls..but next time,please allow me to pay....*s*

My neighbor has gotten serious about defending his garden from the rabbits this summer. He has put posts up and chicken wire around the posts. He then put several heavy stones around except for one weak point where he set up a live trap...I had to laugh when I saw this but when he mentioned he was going to get rid of them for good,well.....that is how his cage got sprayed with animal repellant. I can respect his not wanting to share his cabbage and carrots but not at the expense of killing our bunnies. Its one of summer's biggest highlights,coming home and seeing a couple of rabbits on the front lawn.



Last but not least,so my good friend Monique Parent has put out some new SortaHealthy videos on YouTube. A couple of summers ago,I made her chimchurri sauce and it was amazingly good. She comes up with several great ideas built around the VitaMix blender and they are pretty much all winners.
But she launched this one today and I am finding myself completely torn about trying this:
I'll let you know how it goes!


Getting pretty jazzed for the huge Save Ferris show on the 27th. Despite some inner-band fussing and feuding,the show is going and by the look of things,the fans are siding with vocalist Monique Powell as tickets are selling at a nifty rate..



I am still holding out hope that someone will record this show...and post it on YouTube or maybe the band will sell some CDs of the show. One can hope anyways.

I like to wish my friend Sheri some inner peace and healing during the next 3 weeks.

Went to renew my tags for my car today at the Secretary of State. I got there at around 10:30 am and the line moved quickly until the customer two persons ahead of me,then the line stalled. I waited 20 minutes for just that one person to be helped,the line behind was curled up and through the front door.
Finally it was my turn....I brought all the paperwork except the title. See,we  registered both cars under Lori's name. It wasn't planned that way but since it made things easier,we never changed it. Now I have to change my tags to my birthday.
   They gave me a form to fill out,I was number 87 and they were at number 64. When I walked in 30 minutes earlier,they were on 62. I decided to bail out,come home,get my title and come at it again tomorrow. Save me some sanity to say the least.

Caught this song while surfing YouTube. The band is Nikki Sixx's new band called Sixx AM and this song is called "Van Nuys". This is a great song and I hope you like it as much as I do.


New "8 Questions with....." coming very soon.

Renee,glad to have you back. Loved your story today.


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