Listening to Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars"...settling my mind before I start this entry. It is hard because I am missing my Lori so very much....and I am pissed off.
I debated long and hard about writing this blog entry,talked to many close friends and weighed the pros and con of what I am going to write,that kindness only matters might take a bit of a hit today/tonight after I post this. But the more I thought about this,the more it seems like the thing to do because there is no excuse for unbridled arrogance and malice that I received for actually trying to show that kindness does matter.
I have taken to promoting my blog and my regular readers might have picked up on that my traffic has grown,there are many reasons for this.....superb guest bloggers,doing more interviews and doing a lot of commenting on other blogs. All has led to a sharp increase in readership,especially from Ashburn,Virginia!! (howdy Ashburn!).
This has led to a number of folks who leave comments as well on my various entries which I am very thankful for. There are a lot of fine writers out here and even if they are a average writer like myself,the topics covered often make for good reading and are thought provoking.
One of the blogs I came across in a blogging group belonged to a woman in Australia. She has a half and half blog...half shilling for different products and half of it personal. While I don't really know much about half the stuff she was pushing,I reserved my comments for her personal ones.
The first one I commented on was how Dannie (that is her name) was still trying hard to quit smoking and her struggles to do so. We all know people like that,trying to quit and needing support. A bunch of us bloggers dropped encouragement to Dannie. And soon she started came by and commented on some of my entries that I shared about Lori and I.
There weren't a lot of these exchanges as I had found a much active group and had been posting there more often but one in a while I will still post in this group. It happens that Dannie had posted a blog talking about "Fear".
This is the blog entry and includes my comment and as I wrote,she already knew about I have gone through.
Her entry really concerned me because I have seen folks with the same kind of fear about the dentist and have even helped two folks by sending them to the dentist we used and they were able to be treated after years of not seeing a dentist.
I admit,this entry really haunted me...five teeth rotted to the gumline PLUS a smoking habit,this is not a good combination to have. Plus who knows what other illnesses she could be suspect to getting? I actually reposted her blog around and asked folks for advice on how to help someone like this because quite frankly,I had never heard of anyone who wasn't a drug addict let their teeth go that badly because of the fear of the dentist.
Now while I know what I would suggest to someone here in the US about seeing a dentist,I don't know if those tactics would work in Australia...but I decided to reach out and write to Dannie with a couple of suggestions...
Above is our "discussion"....now mind you,this is coming from someone who knows I have lost Lori and has commented on some of my blog entries.
Now if I had come at her out of the blue with absolutely zero history,this would seem a bit humorous to me. 7,000 miles away and yet somehow this was taken as being hit on...
But the fact she knew better and thought this is very insulting and arrogant. I sat on this for a few days and was perplexed by the sheer gall by it. You know by reading my comment I was concerned as were others that this issue left untreated will walk in and take away your happiness and your family. You can't walk around with five rotted out holes in your mouth and expect to stay healthy. And I know this may seem mean and petty but seriously,what man,after reading that blog,is going to be beating down your door,married or not?
No,I am upset that this person would ignore and slight MY happy marriage and love for MY wife by implying I was hitting on her.
I know some of the folks here also read Dannie's blog and if you are one of those folks....this was my suggestion
1. Look for the largest university nearest your home
2. Contact the university and see if they have a dental school or a teaching medical wing (We have two where I live at the U of Michigan and U of Detroit-Mercy)
3. Set up a appointment to talk to a dentist there...why there instead of a normal dentist office? Easy answer,they have more TIME to spend with you and can discuss a lot of options. Most private dentists have the skills but not the time (or patience)
4. The cost of treatment will most likely be lower plus in case something does go wrong,well,you are already at a hospital.
5. Having open cavities in your mouth can increase your chances of getting oral cancer and that is nothing anyone ever wants to deal with.
6. If not for you,overcome your fear for the love of your family.
Am I wrong to express this kind of emotion for anyone? Was I out of line? Am I overreacting? Please let me know what you think about this exchange....
Went out to dinner with my friend Sue last night to a local restaurant,Antonio's for some pizza. We didn't mean to end up there as I was dressed in my fat man pants and a old UConn t-shirt that was covered with cheetah fur.
We walked in after the main dinner rush and were seated. Service was fast and friendly as we each ordered a small salad for me and some pasta for Sue. The pizza got there quickly and was very tasty. As we were talking,I took a drink from my Coke and felt a sharp pain on my lip...I looked and the edge of my glass was badly chipped. I felt for blood but the sensation was was fleeting and I moved the glass away so fast that I was spared getting cut.
I did ask for the manager and shared with him what happened...he looked very young and not sure on what to do...he took the glass and brought me a new one. We continued to eat when another,older gentleman came over...it was the owner himself,Antonio. He looked at me and said he had seen me in before..which is true...Lori and I used to enjoy eating there quite a bit but as cancer generally does,it slowly made it impossible to eat there after a while.
The truth of the matter is I have only been there 3 times in the past two years but I wholly believed Antonio because as my fellow night club co-workers can attest,we knew faces but rarely names...you just see too many people all at once for that to happen...
But I did share the story how I helped his mother at my job on a late Sunday night with a plumbing issue. His face lit up as he remembered that from last year...I introduced Sue and myself properly and where we worked at. We made small talk and he apologized for the glass and said it should have never made it on the floor. Sue and I made sure that our waitress wasn't going to get in trouble and proceeded to finish our dinner.
The waitress came over and said Antonio was picking up our tab for the meal which was very kind of him. While I had some homemade gelato for dessert,I thought how a act of kindness in helping his mother stayed with the owner and how blessed I was to be able to be in a place to help.
I like to thank my readers for showing such great support for guest blogger Susan Smiley entry,it must have touched a serious chord with many of you as so many have dropped a comment about the state of journalism both here and around the world.
If you are on Twitter,follow me @Jinzo_2400
Shout outs:
Sue - for the company
Ashburn,Virginia - Thank for reading me
Jimmy Durkin - Thank you for the excellent SJSU blog,good to have a big voice!
Justin W. - Inventory prep has been a lot of fun...nicely done sir!
Antonio's - Thank you for your graciousness
Camille - Mocha was such a classy lady,wasn't she? A true queen indeed!
Chris Farnsworth - Nathaniel Cade? Yeah,I am hooked....
Ivy - safe flight home....your dream is awaiting for your return!
I am inspired on how you can handle things.. I have actually encountered in an restaurant, I order an orange shake and found out some piece of cockroach, I was kind'a angry but my emotion stays calm when the owner apologize.
ReplyDeleteagreed,finding a bug in my shake would have upset me greatly....and I would have asked for a refund. Sounds like you handled it with class!
DeleteSo sorry for your upset. The main reason for this is the language barrier. I know Danni's blogging. She's not great with her writing skills, but her heart's in the right place. However, I think where you went wrong was by not answering her question. Instead, you said she was in your heart. You should have said, 'I've been thinking about your problem with the dentist'. Words. They're so important. Learn from the experience and carry on.
ReplyDeleteI disagree...as I said,if I had come out of the blue with this...I could understand the mix-up...but she KNEW better because she has read and commented on many entries where I shared how I felt about Lori. She was thoughtless and careless in my eyes....and quite honestly,she was in my heart,I didn't write that lightly...I do hope she can get some courage to overcome this because its a very serious health risk....and I do thank you for coming by and commenting...
DeleteWhat an amazing and inspirational story. Thank you for taking the time to write it and conveying the message of how to handle life situations. Please continue to help and pass along your carrying wisdom with your readers and your guest at the home depot.
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing how one act can come back and affect one's life if you are open to it...I am hoping for a happy ending to the first story as well....
DeleteThis is a very inspiring story. Thanks you for taking your time to write this for everyone to read. Keep up the great work. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteI understand your emotions and feelings, it is difficult to be going through a rough time and be misread by someone. Try not to let it bother you so much and move on. There is nothing you can do to change the situation. Keep your chin up :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Melinda....and you're right,I can't let one small incident bother me...I know I was just trying to help and have no regrets about doing so.
DeleteGreat piece. Oddly Mr. Mashed Up has the problem too. Many times women think he is hitting on them when he is just being nice and polite. Unfortunately many women are not used to having a guy just be respectful, polite, or nice. Sad really. I'm sure the true is on the flip side. Just continue to be true to yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right....I have had women online try and flirt but when they see I don't respond,they simply stop and just start being friends. I admit,I have had to block a couple as most of us have done. But never when someone has offered me help!!
DeleteYeah I also agree that communication / language may be the problem in your conversation. I wonder what would turn out if you had a verbal call rather than text messages.
ReplyDeleteThat would not be prudent or ethical on my part,Aussies speak English,I only wanted to point her to a potential way to help her get the help she needs.
DeleteI commend you on trying to help her even after the conversation and she didn't respond back to you. I thought that your advice was awesome and I am sure it will help others anyway. It is always commendable when people are so sweet to others. It will always come back to you in some way. Thanks for sharing this great post and for helping others. I love it. :) I would not have taken that as being hit on in the least by the way. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Rebecca!! I wrote the suggestion down because its what helped me in my situation....so I hope it can help someone else!
DeleteWhat an inspiring story, thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading it
DeleteGosh, like the comment above said; I found this really inspiring! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Sophie!
DeleteThis can be a made for TV movie, you were brave to share this.
ReplyDeletewell,I wouldn't go that far....but thanks for the kind thought...
DeleteInteresting couple of stories. It's terrible that someone hasn't been able to find the way to overcome a fear - I think coming straight to the point is often better online, so there's no confusion.
ReplyDeleteGreat reaction in the restaurant though. Bet that made you feel more positive.
Agreed....and I would have been a lot more direct with info if this had been in the US. But I don't know how the medical system works in Australia so I would have needed some insight from Dannie first.
DeleteI think it is admirable that you wanted to help. Especially as you do not know how a stranger will react. It's always a case, by case gut call.
ReplyDeleteGotta take a chance sometimes,right?
DeleteI am a Dental Nurse as well as a blogger, very interesting blog post.
ReplyDeleteHannah,I am sure you have seen this kind of fear,how does one get over it?
DeleteI never thought about the dental school idea. That actually makes a ton of sense. Dental students need people to work on just like hair stylist need heads to practice with!
ReplyDeleteAgreed....just follow the blueprint I laid out and I'm sure anyone can find a training hospital...
DeleteWow this is some story! Sounds like you handled it well.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I handled it as well as I could but I can honestly say my intentions were for the best.
DeleteYour story is very inspiring, even with all that you were able to give wonderful advice that could be used by many other people. Thank you for sharing Michael.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and commenting!
DeleteI am sorry that she misunderstood you I am with you on this not a lot of people online would show that kind of support so sad that she didn't see that you were trying to help.
ReplyDeleteI just hope she gets help very soon....
DeleteA great post! As far as your exchange with the woman, while I understand you had good intentions at the same time I think she was protecting herself and trying not to answer personal questions (from what I read, you didn't firstly state that you had suggestions about the dentist for her). Just a miscommunication is what I felt it was!
ReplyDeleteWe were sending messages via FB,we are not friends so the messages took a bit longer to go back and forth. And I am all for protecting oneself when needed. But I think once someone said United States and I was in Australia (and already knowing that I live in the US as I have written) I wouldn't be so quick triggered. But that is a personal decision....
DeleteWow I have to agree with everyone else, this was an amazing and inspiring post!
ReplyDeleteThank you Annemarie!
DeleteSounds like a difficult situation! But it was very inspiring.
ReplyDeletewhich part?
Deletegreat advice. Thanks for the great post.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ann....
DeleteIt was kind of you to reach out to her. A dental school would be a good choice but since they are still learning might not be as gentle as someone who has been doing it. I've thought about going to dental schools for small stuff but that's one thing I think of . A bummer she didn't see it as you trying to help her out
ReplyDeleteYou raise a valid point...I believe in Dannie's case,they would have either ref. her to the main hospital where she still would be treated in a more serene place then a private practice. But it does depend on the case...they don't assign you to just anyone,your student is handpicked for your needs,one of the huge benefits of a teaching hospital.
DeleteNice story. Very inspiring!
ReplyDeleteThank you Anna.
DeleteIt's really genuine of you to be that invested in someone else's struggles to try and help her overcome that fear. Also it's never a bad time to rock a UConn shirt, I always wear mine with pride!
ReplyDeleteMy poor shirt is many years old,I wear more it more as a lounge around shirt then going out in public. Its still intact,its just faded. But I suspect one could still see the cheetah fur on it....
DeleteI had an experience similar to your chipped glass mishap once. The owner was very apologetic, and as I'd dined there quite often, I thought nothing more of it. The next time I went there to eat, they refused to give me a bill! That's an awesome proprietor.
ReplyDeleteAntonio's is a classy place and we always pretty much enjoyed eating there...so wasn't surprised we were treated so well.
DeleteIt was nice of you to try to help out. Great tips for people going through the same
ReplyDeleteMichelle F.
Thank you Michelle!
DeleteThat's a very scary eye opening picture. Thank you for the great read.
ReplyDeleteThank you....and as always,thank you for your comment. See you on Twitter!!
DeleteYour post seems very genuine. You appear to be very kind.
ReplyDeleteThank you and I like to think I am kind....as are most people
DeleteI couldn't even follow the dialogue. Hope it works out
ReplyDeletethanks
DeleteOh wow. Some people just don't care about how they look. But anyway, dental care is important and rotten teeth should be properly addressed.
ReplyDeleteThat isn't Dannie's issue...she DOES care but is too scared of the dentist to do anything about it...and every day increases her health issue concerns.
DeleteWhat an inspiring story, thanks for sharing. I hope it helps someone who might be in a similar situation.
ReplyDeleteMe too!!
DeleteI think it's nice to be in a position to help, and actually take the steps to do it too when you can. It's nice to get recognition, but it's even a greater sense of satisfaction when no one knows at all. Hurrah for the helpers (and we're all helpers at some point). :)
ReplyDeleteWasn't doing it for recognition,hence the private message. I only wrote about this because of her rude reaction towards my gesture. I think she owes me an apology for her comment. But it won't stop me from trying to help someone else in the future!
DeleteOkay I have a couple of things to add. I don't know Dannie but this is my take. Patrick I know you and your struggles but if this message just came at me with just Patrick I would have probably thought the same thing (although being middle-aged, caregiver, RA patient) I probably wouldn't have jumped to THAT conclusion but anyway. We comment and share on hundreds of blogs a day and while your story sticks in peoples heart they don't really know you as Patrick, they know you as Patrick-The Inner Circle. Then boom I know who you are and no confusion with thinking you are some pervert. On the other side, you were just trying to be compassionate and kind. I am another person who let their teeth go due to my disease my teeth rotted in 2 years after never having a cavity in my life. It took me the longest time to go to the dentist because of a trauma I had at 17 getting a wisdom tooth pulled out. I am TERRIFIED so I suffered and wouldn't go to the dentist for the longest time. With my immune system though I had to get it done. I went into the dentist and because my fear was so bad I was afraid I would get halfway through and not go back because of my fear. I had 28 teeth pulled IN ONE DAY talk about pain and they didn't even put me to sleep! I thought I was dying BUT I did it and although I had to wait nine months for my mouth to fully heal I now have my new teeth and feel so much better. But no one could talk me into going I had to get there in my own head first. There are 2 sides to every story. Even though I am a middle aged, overweight, housewife my husband who doesn't use the computer and has heard to many facebook horror stories worries about me meeting other men sometimes...it's actually pretty funny...but never in a serious way. I love my husband tremendously and I usually only communicate back with women, but there are a few exception like you. So maybe she is coming from a different place, I just don't know but I would hope that she would not have shoved your compassion back in your face like she did had she known the true situation! Thinking of you, Rena-The Diary of an Alzheimer's Caregiver. See now you know who I am!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou absolutely ROCK,Rena.
DeleteOkay now I'm confused is tour first name Patrick or Michael? Lol! I thought it was Patrick that's my husband's name. Let me know which and Thank you very much I feel the same about you!
Deleteeither name is fine by me....
DeleteYour story is quite remarkable,I am curious as to why you couldn't be asleep when they extracted your teeth...I know I had to stay awake because I have sleep apnea and I quit breathing when I was under....
I was never given the option! I would had them to drup me up for a week. My dentist where my insurance sent me doesn't put patients to sleep. Sadistic I know!! My husband freaked he had nevef heard of that before. But hey I handled it I'm pretty tough butI won't lie and say it didn't hurt like hell! I'm going to call you Patrick then, I like to be different and sincemit's my hubbys name quite partial to it haha!
DeleteThanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletethanks for reading!
Deletethis is a great piece of writing..and I think you shouldn't be worried too much for these kind of things...just take it cool and easy...
ReplyDeletesolid advice Akshay!! Thanks for dropping by and commenting
DeleteI hope this experience has not ruined your faith in people. Please continue to reach out and help other people who need your help.
ReplyDeleteOh no,I would never give any person that power! So no worries there! And based on the comments,it looks like this entry will help a couple of folks already!
DeleteIt can be hard sharing with the world (well, reading their reactions anyway). Sounds like you tried to make the most of it.
ReplyDeleteagreed....sometimes you hit,sometimes you miss *s*
DeleteI don't think you were wrong to reach out to her. Some people just don't accept help from others or are thinking the worst of people instead of the best. Don't let this ruin your faith in people and continue to reach out to those you feel need help and encouragement.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words Risa!!
DeleteYou are kind hearted and reaching out is fine. Just know that it doesn't always work out they way it you think it should. Keep on serving.
ReplyDeleteindeed I shall keep trying!!
DeleteOh that's sad. She misunderstood your kindness. I guess she has something back in her mind. But don't stop helping, don't let that incident pull you down.
ReplyDeleteI won't,I promise!
DeleteWhat a great guy to help others. Sorry she didn't think of it in that way.
ReplyDeleteThank you Bonnie!!!
DeleteI think it's just the world we live in. We've all been programmed to put up walls and use extreme caution, and some of us are probably a lot more guarded than others. I'm sorry your gesture of caring wasn't understood properly.
ReplyDeleteMe too,Liz. Because this young lady needs help fast and I can sadly say I know first hand what dragging your feet can cost you!
Deleteits really hard to care and very exhausting when you cant help r get through,
ReplyDeleteSometimes people have been hurt through online relationships, maybe she has been too. It was very nice of you to reach out.
ReplyDeleteTrue Kathy,maybe that has happened to her before and she was defensive. Again,I would have completely understood that except she knew from reading and commenting on my blog,I am in love with Lori and always will be. There will never be anyone else.
Deletethat doesnt sound or even look good. That is why it is important to visit the dentist because they know well than us.
ReplyDeleteIt not she wouldn't go to the dentist,it was because she was afraid of the needles used to numb you up,that can be a crippling fear for some. Her head knows she needs to go,her heart is scared....
Deletethank you for sharing - not everyone would be sharing this one.
ReplyDeleteI thought about that as well,Aisha. But I keep things bottled up...writing helps me release my stress and this was stressful to me....
DeleteThe Dentist can be very scary. I hate going to the doctor for fear of the unknown. I think sometimes we are just so scared even though we know we need to do something. She knows she needs to go but she is scared. Bless you for wanting to help her.
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT allowed to drag your butt if you need to see a doctor (that goes for everyone reading this!!). If you need to go,go! And if you need follow-up care,either be seen quickly and if your doctor is slow, ask for a referral to a doctor who isn't. Speed is life!
DeleteThanks so much for sharing your personal experiences! Many times, people can be taken aback and misunderstand true kindness. The internet can also be a sketchy arena - people are not always what they seem. Kudos to you for stepping out and attempting to genuinely help another person. It's so refreshing to find people who truly care. Keep on keeping on....this is only a moment!
ReplyDeleteAgree about the internet....I step very lightly around it myself....
DeleteThank you for your kind comment!
Oh man. I can 't imagine having 5 teeth rotting out and still not seeing a dentist. That just sounds awful. I'd be more scared of losing all my teeth than a freaking dentist. That's great you tried to help but too bad she took it the wrong way!
ReplyDeleteHer pain must be incredible and I am positive she must be having other health issues by now....hopefully its enough to get Dannie motivated enough to get help!
DeleteI really wouldn't worry about your exchange with the other blogger! Sometimes people have a lot going on in their life and handle things poorly!
ReplyDeleteYeah....Its all water under the bridge now....
DeleteI agree with Rena. There are a bunch of strange people on the internet and I know people by their blogs! Don't let that incident stop you from being kind to another in the future though. Hopefully she will realize that you were merely trying to help. And if she is still trying to quit smoking...I have to admit when I quit 10 years ago there were many interactions I had with people that I regretted after my wits returned.
ReplyDeleteWell,I am glad you quit....and I am not going to let this deter me from helping folks...
DeleteI love this! Learnt a lot from this article
ReplyDeleteThen posting this was worth it!! Thank you Rubbie Ann!
DeleteLove your post! and i couldn't agree more! There are some but still, everything has its purpose.
ReplyDeleteyep...just hope she finds her.
Deletethat place looks like a great one to have pizza! + it is very generous of the owner to pick your tab.
ReplyDeletehopefully this lady who has a great fear of dentists will finally manage to conquer her fear one day + have her teeth checked.
this sure is an interesting read + i look forward to your future posts! :)
why thank you!! And thank you for your kind comment!
Delete