Its 11:39 pm
Looking back at my posts during this time last year,I find myself rather shocked at how all over I was. I never really wrote what was really going on in my heart. I look at my posts and seen a sense of complete denial and fogginess in my writing...but lucky for me,I have complete retention and I need to write what really was going on 20 May 13.
I last saw you on 18 May..never did I think that would be the last time. We knew our time was running out,I called your brother and he was very shocked to see how fast the end was coming. We agreed to have he and your father come down for the day to say good-bye and I chose to let Brian and Phil have you for the day while I went to work that night.
Work...what the hell was I thinking? Working for 4 hours because I needed to be able to switch insurances because your insurance was going to run out at the end of June. I had to work a certain amount of hours to stay eligible...again,what the hell was I thinking,once we went into hospice,we knew there wasn't going to be a June. All those plans that we had for our last summer together...I have done nothing on that list we had planned,no cook out,no Tigers game,no concerts,no ploring,not even a trip to the Christmas Tree Shoppe or Home Goods. Part of it is because of the money situation,part of it is because of a lack of drive.
I keep trying to jumpstart my life but there is no life to jump back into.
I should have filmed us more,no matter what....
I needed one day. I was going to work Sunday night,pack a bag of clothes,go to the funeral home to set up the service and then stay with you until the time you would go home.
But I was scared,I didn't want you alone. I wanted someone with you until I got there and so I did ask for help. Tammy and Jomana from your work volunteered and that made me feel better. I packed my bag,put it in the car and went to work.
I got home and was surprised to see Jomana had left a message saying she had come home. That dear sweet lady,she braved overcoming her stress about driving at night to go to Ann Arbor and sit with you. She said how sweet you were when you woke up and saw her sitting there. Asking her "how did you find me"? That is the same question I ask myself every day,how did you find me,Lori? Of all the people,you chose me,a very flawed man in California with nothing really to offer you but my heart and love.
Jomana stayed with you until 2:30 am....and I am so grateful for that. In the dark night,I want you to know that I was ALWAYS thinking of you. Oh but to go back again...I never would have left your side..
Its Arbor Hospice,I answer the phone and get the news,you have left this world,alone,at 7:03 am.
I cannot begin to express how heartbroken I am...dying alone was not part of the plan. I lay awake at night thinking about this,did you look for me? Did you call my name? Wondering where I was? I see your hand stretching out looking for mine for one last wedding hands and not finding it. Alone.
Holding you close after I got to Arbor...I know it was just your mortal shell but I pray God allowed you to feel my tears,hear my sorrow and feel my last kiss. I think of this often as my faith has been broken,I do not understand how this works anymore. I am totally lost here,I wish I could tell you things were better but they are not.
I struggle with this,I talk to my therapist every month and this is my one never ending thought,I left you alone on the hardest part of our life together. You and I saw so many wonderful and not so wonderful things in our 15 years together. We overcame so much more then most people ever know and yet on the one step where we needed to be together,I wasn't there. I am so sorry,Lori. I have not the words to express how badly I hurt in missing you. We were such a great couple,such a loving couple.
This past year has been so sad,I feel completely off balance and alone. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know my love for you will always be constant no matter what or where I am.
I love you Lori,always and forever +1
Tonight I fall.....
Thank you all for staying with us,those who knew Lori and those who have gotten to know her through this blog.